More Than This

by Talullah

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Gandalf/Radagast

Summary: PWP. Is there something Gandalf didn't tell the Council about his meeting with Radagast??

Feedback: Yes, please.

Beta: Nefertiti

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine.

Author's note:: The title is from a Roxy Music song.

He took off my hat and then proceeded to remove Glamdring from my waist and put it on the ground beside us. He was so serious, but still had that smoulder in his eyes that always had dragged me in. I felt his lean hands travelling up and down my body, releasing me from my clothes, soothing my tired muscles, and caressing me devotedly, as he always had.

I played my part in this ancient game and kept silent, pretending indifference. When his lips brushed the tender skin just below my ear, I did not sigh. When his tongue trailed down to the base of my neck, I did not moan, and when his hand grabbed my growing erection, I certainly did not gasp.

His tongue went further down, reaching my left nipple and playing with it, while his hand still fumbled lower. The other hand had slipped behind me and was caressing my buttocks. As his fingers searched deeper I could not suppress a slight shudder. He looked up, and never stopping, smiled mischievously before he planted small kisses from my nipple to my navel. He circled it with his tongue and moved his other hand to the small of my back. He kept kissing and licking down my belly.

By now my body was betraying my will and I was loosing the game, but it didn't matter. Still, I would hold on just a little bit longer. It had been so long since the last time we met like this!

He kept caressing me, kissing and touching everywhere but where I most wished he would. He wanted me to beg, and I wanted him to make me beg--but not yet. As he nibbled softly on my thighs, hardened by so many long walks and rides, his hands grabbed both my buttocks hard, almost hurting me. The surprise made me buck forward. Once again he looked up and smiled. The bastard. His fingers crept to my entrance, and he started massaging it slowly while he teased my erection, now weeping, with his hirsute beard. The tingle made me hold my breath.

"Ask. Just ask." His voice was hoarse and deep.

I nodded once, defeated, but he simply remained still, kneeling in front of me.

"No, Gandalf. For once I want to hear you say the words."

"Please." I almost didn't recognize my own voice or this quickness to acquiesce. What was he doing to me? He took me into his mouth and played a little bit with the head, but soon pulled my hips forward and took me all in at once. When I hit the back of his throat, it was so intense that I gasped and almost came.

He paused a few moments and when he was sure I had collected myself he started sucking and teasing my erection with his tongue, while one of his fingers slipped inside me and the other played with my sac.

I was panting heavily and had broken into a sweat. If he kept on like that I would come soon, but even as needy as I was, I didn't want to come without him. I put my hands on his broad shoulders and pushed him back a little.

"I want you," I said as I took a plunge into those deep, warm brown eyes. I kept pushing him back slowly, and lowered my self until he lay on the ground and I above him. He turned, and now we were side by side. The rug was rough, but the texture somehow was exciting, making his skin even warmer and smoother.

I held him and let my hands travel down up to his erection. It felt so hot and was throbbing and leaking. I simply smeared the liquid over its whole length as I massaged it harder. "I want you." I repeated. "Inside me. Now." He bit his lip, pulled me closer as I draped my leg over his hip, and entered me.

Oh, how I had missed this! The slight sting of the first move inside me, the warmth of his body, his arms, the way he always paused briefly to see if I was well. I looked deep into his eyes and there was this ancient understanding between us. He needed no more words to know how badly I wanted him to take me. He rolled on top of me and penetrated even deeper with a soft moan. A small pearl of sweat formed on his brow. I wanted to lick it. At first we kept moving, recalling memories of other touches, other such encounters, but then nothing else mattered besides this moment and this friction.

He quickened the pace and I could feel my erection pressed between the two of us, being rubbed harder and harder until I couldn't hold anymore and came. I swear they must have heard my scream in Bree. He moved a couple more times and came too. After he just laid there on top of me, panting with his head burrowed in the crook of my neck as I softly stroked his back.

I wish we could stay that way forever, but the world was urging us on. He must have felt the same because he slowly pulled out of me and rolled onto his side.

I made him turn to the fire and spooned behind him. The thoughts of the dark times ahead made me realize that there was something I had to do.

"I love you, Radagast" I whispered into his ear. He almost jumped, so startled was he by this confession. You see, in all these years we have been here, taking care of this land, we have been lovers, but always playing games. Well, maybe I have been the one making up the games and he just played along.

"What do you mean, Gandalf? What new game is this?" He had sat up and was gazing at me. The anguish in those eyes, tinged with the tiniest ray of hope, pierced me to my soul.

"No games. Not this time. I should have told you this a long time ago."

The disbelief in his eyes was growing. Had I really hurt my lover this much? I sat up, too, and reached to him. He flinched.

"I? I can't do this, Gandalf. I had waited for this for millennia, until I finally realized that I was just a convenient toy to you. An errand boy. A who-"

"Stop! It was never like that, and you know it!" Good one, old Gandy! He needs you to reassure him, and you let your temper get the best of you once again. I could not believe my stupidity.

"Please, listen. I am sorry. I am. I never let you know how I felt, and I never let you in, but ..." How could I tell him that I was afraid to trust too much in one person? That I was afraid of being played.

I reached out to him once again and didn't let him push me away. I embraced him, and I kissed his hair, and then his lips. "I was a fool, a proud, suspicious one. I was afraid of you. I am still."

The silent question in his wet eyes could not go unanswered. "Saruman. He has always been between us. We never talked about it, but he has tempted me, and I know he did the same to you. He said he loved me and that I should rule Isengard next to him. I am guessing he proposed something like that to you." A silent nod was all I got, so I continued. "Saruman may be wise, but he is not without flaws, and he likes to rule. Maybe too much. I always knew that he would try to come between us at any cost if we ever had a deeper understanding. Divide to conquer. Keep us all in check." Another silent nod. "So every time you came too close I had to push you away. To protect you, certainly, but also very selfishly to protect myself. Can you ever forgive me? Can you believe me?"

Radagast opened his mouth, but no sound came. I felt his body grow limp in my arms, so I held him tighter and kissed his hair again. "Old friend, I fear the journey ahead. I sense so many dangers, and I fear that I'll never see you again. I wish--"

"No." He said in a tiny voice, so unlike himself. "I understand your motives and ... and I see. It's just that it hurts. Very much. The hope that I had almost lost is shattering me inside. I want to trust your words but ..." The tears that he was trying furiously to restrain made him stop.

"You're afraid."


"I will never hurt you again."


I wasn't sure if he meant "don't hurt me" or "stop the lies," but right now I couldn't go any further into that. This was by far the most courageous thing that I had done in Middle-earth, and I too was on the brink of exhaustion.

"Let's just sleep on this." I pulled him down and snuggled closer, as I whispered again that I loved him and spoke of all the things about him that had made me love him so much and for so long, soothing his mind until he fell asleep.

When we woke a few hours later, he was his collected self once again. He did not let me into his thoughts and did not avoid my gaze, but didn't touch me as we dressed and didn't flinch when I put my hand on his waist.

"Tell me of your mind. Please."

"We shared too much, even through deep layers of suspicion and fear. I love you, as I always did. I know there's a chance I'll be disappointed, but I'll not regret it. Beware of Saruman. As you said, he has always been too keen on power. He has also always envied you. And he feels you have scorned his proposals. There, I've said it. If you ever need me I'll be a whisper away, no matter what."

With that he left, before I could hold him one more time.

He was right. I was a fool to ever have suspected that Radagast could use his animals as spies for Sauron or that Saruman could ever lead him to betray me or our duty to Middle-earth. And yes, he was the one that was a whisper away when I needed him most.

He only and no one else.